I manage to open up my really antique laptop. And it's full of memories.
And i read a message my ex said that when u wake up,i want u to have a great day.i just want u to noe that i love u farhanah. u were the bestest thing that ever happen in my life. And that no matter what happen, ill be there for u whn im not bz. Even if i call u gemok or babi No.1, you're still my prettiest,cutest,sweetest,kentalest girl that i love. I love you, Farhanah.
It made me cry because he was my first love. And that was the sweetest thing ive ever read. N i knew deep down that all that he said came from his heart. It was so touching. I called him on the 21st of July at 11+pm and he asked why did i call. I asked him about some business stuff and i said i dunno i was browsing through all the old memories in my laptop, so i decided to call. And i didnt see that coming and he kept quiet for a moment.
It was an ackward silence and then i knew that something wasn't right. Then he said,"I already have a girlfriend." My heart felt a tinged of sadness but i replied,"Oh, Good for you then." And he continued and said,"Her name is also Farhanah. And she looks like you. Fair and all."
My eyes became watery. And i said controlling myself, "Huh..Oh..I hope u would last long with her." It was sad because deep down i still care for him and i know he still cares for me. And that he has a gf but who am i to stop him. I am happy for him really but somehow sad. I dunno. I have a bf whom i love dearly but memories are still memories. He is still there somewhere in my heart. But life has to go on. We have gone our seperate ways but we both know that we still care for each other.
I am really happy for him. And i know he still care for me because even if we had breakup like so long ago, he is still there for me when im upset or have troubles. Same goes to him. And it took me awhile after the phone call to realize something. When he ask why did you call?.. I think he was expecting the answer.. The answer that it was exatcly 3 years ago when we got together. I cant believe i didnt realize the date..
I hope he last long with the girl and what's important is that he is happy with his life.
This is it Friday, May 21, 2010 8:53 AM
This is it? After all that we've been through, and you're finally letting it all go.
You gave up your love and most importantly, our love just like that.
And the reason is because i hurt you everyday and yet i don't know how to pujok?
Everyday my heart wants to cry out and i tried staying strong
and act as if i'm doing just fine. I tried holding strong but in the end,
as i get back in my room, the feeling of loneliness hung heavily in me.
I close the door of my room and cuddle myself on the bed crying.
I didn't want anyone to see me like this.
It's not that i want to count every little good deeds that i do for you.
But it's all running in my head now.
Waking up at 4.30am in the morning, walking in the dark, cold and lonely road,
to catch the first 969 bus just to be with you as long as i could b4 i head for school.
Packing up food for you incase you get hungry.
And all my allowance was all i got for the week.
But to me you need it more than i do and i have to go to school controlling my hunger.
And knowing that i had shortage of money, i only took 969/168 back to tamp central
and walk all the way back home under the scorching sun.
And all that i did not tell you because i know that you're just gonna get angry with me.
And when i didn't go to school, i waited for you at the library for hours.
Waiting for your return just to be with you.
And i had to control my sleepiness sometimes sleeping 1-3hrs/day talking to you on the phone
just to make sure you went to sleep.
First was silence and when i hear you snore, that's only when i put down the phone.
And when you ask me whether i have money to go to school, i said i do but the truth is i don't.
But i don't want you to give me that money because i fear that you won't eat in school.
And sometimes i waited hours at the staircase for you just to meet you dear.
I did this not out of stupidity. I did this out of love. I did this because i care for you.
I did this because i want you to be happy. I did this out of sincerity not for the sake of it. Not
for berbudi or good manners.
Who would do all this for the sake of it. It all comes from my heart. I wanted the best in you.
But i guess it's never enough. I'm never good enough for you. All i ever did was wrong.
And no matter how much my parents hated you, i did not care. I do it all behind their backs.
And when they found out and even if they cry, i still find a way to get to you.
I wonder if my love was ever appreciated by you dear.
Do you really love me? But if you do, you won't surrender yourself and quit.
You would fight for love no matter what right?
How cruel can life be. Here i am feeling like im losing out. But i am losing out.
Now i'm left kneeling on the floor trying to pick up our shattered love, crying bitterly.
What did i do to deserve such cruelty.
x i hope that it would keep progressing Saturday, April 10, 2010 9:10 AM
I hope that this downfall getting better would go on consistently.
It had been really hard for me with my family, friends and him.
So far, in family terms it is getting better.
And as for friends and him, all i know is that if i choose to go back with him,
my friends would hate me. And that's what i chose to do.
I don't know how im suppose to explain this to my friends..
well are we still friends now i really dont know..
But he choose to change and that is what i want clearly.
My way of clothing had change and financially we have settled too.
So now i felt more at peace and no stress about money all the time.
And that i ask him to put family and me at a balance.
And there he let me go meet my friends or family while he strengthen his ties with his family.
And since he is really good in sports, i would love him to go back to his SAF life or work.
And i can see he wanted to try be nice to my friends again.
Wanting to offer them some things and let me meet them and all..
But whats not if i and my friends are not in good terms.
he even felt sorry and wanted to get my mom a bdae present. so sweet of him.
i can see he wanted to apologize for all the wrongdoings he had done
and how much trouble he had cause the people around me.
and the best part even his way of dressing change.
All i can see is he wants to be someone better and im very glad he did.
I am very thankful to have a maid like mine too.
She talk to my mother apparently about me trying to make my mom understand my life.
She's glad that bf change for the better too.
And as for my mom, she didn't restrict me as how she use to.
I wanna find work and school at the same time.
Now, things are coming back to a balance already.
Thank god.
x my survival kit Monday, April 05, 2010 7:57 AM
Had been going through a rough time but somehow i have come about to accept it all.
I've come about to accept things as what it is now and i've come to think of it like a probation.
For those who know what i've been going through
I hope that you all will keep on understanding me and seriously, im thankful for all the advice.
At 9plus, my mom had called today asking me to go home.
All the trust is gone between me and my parents and then again what's the use regretting.
i have to accept the fact anyway.
Knowing that both my parents had cried for me.
Knowing that i have almost completed the list of things parent's should not know of their daughter.
Almost A-Z that everything is completed just almost.
But truth is there's no way to turn back time. What's done is done. All i know now is i do what i can do to ease their minds for the moment and as for him, i've to learn to either let go or make him understand my situation. If he truly loves me, he would give a space or moment to try put himself in my situation. If he just can't understand, then i'm sorry i have to let it all go. Reminiscing our times just won't help. We have to face reality and most importantly, think of the consequences and the future.
If i do let go, i just want you to know that it all doesn't come easy. It's never easy for me to let you go. Because i truly deeply love you but what's the use if all this doesn't come with any good in my life. I hope that you would change and not have that pure malay character. That character where " kalau orang tak buat aku senang, aku tak buat hidop orang tu senang". That mindset have to go and that follow your emotions completely have to go. It's not the way to survive in this world. Klau nak ikot perasaan jer tak ke mane. Like what people always say," Ikot hati, mati". memang betol. Nak ikot hati sangat sampai tk fikir ape consequencesnye. Da ikot hati sangat, and after that you regret. That is so standard malay character. I'm not trying to insult the malays buts its the truth. it's a very bad thing there. We have to put our minds and heart together to make life a balance and happy one. This world is no romeo and juliet. Nak face the consequences all the time won't help either. What's the use if you keep doing bad things and getting caught and then you still do it again and face it again. Your life is so pathetic that way. Learn from it and make sure you have it all covered up if you do wanna do bad things again.
Just so you know, all the tears i cried for you are pure. It all comes from the heart. I don't cry for nothing and i'm not good at acting either. So trust me, everytime i cry was all for you and always about you. It's either because im upset with myself, you or our relationship. I do care for you so much and i want you to lead a good and happy life.
Anw...As for now, if i wanna go back late or do anything that's gonna break my parents heart..
I've to make sure that i either stretch the truth, tell bits and pieces of the truth or just play with my mind. Even if i went to a certain place, i have to split my mind and make it go another way. Make myself believe that i went to another place instead of that. If anything does happen, just deny and crack my way through. Denying is the best thing to do with your parents because well, in reality it is the best thing to do. I'm not trying to be like some wtf person but it's the fact. I have to make myself believe it so badly so that when i tell my parents, it would seem really true and i'll definitely fight till the end without even stuttering or in anyway to caught me lying.
After what had happen, it becomes part of my learning journey. And as for you Martin, i do love you with all my heart. And i know you felt the same way too towards me.
Sunday, March 21, 2010 10:43 PM
I'm not sure what's going to happen from now on.. I felt as if i lost everything in my life that matters to me in a blink of an eye. It troubles me deeply, hurt me and crushed me and yet im trying to find a light of hope out of all this problems im facing.
And i wonder if ive not accepted you in my life 5 months ago, whether i would know how much i would do for the one i love. Being in love with each other and all those people that try to tear us apart and yet we struggled and pull through. But i guess now, it was really at the peak and you couldn't take it no more. I can't blame you. True. When is this going to end? But it's sad. I'd always thought that one day, everything would be alright. Being in a dark tunnel and at the end, there'll be light that shows that we're free and out. Ive always wated it to be that way. But i guess, it's the end and we're dead in the dark tunnel. Dead and gone.
But it's ok. Life is a learning journey after all. People come and go. But you, you'll forever be engraved in my heart and i appreciate everything that you've done for me. All the times that we spent together and all the patience that you had on me, for all the tears and laughter and crazy moments of ours, you're a guy that's truly special. Someone of a sensitive soul and so much care you had for me, and im sure the girl that is going to be ur next lover will truly appreciate you.
x just so sudden Wednesday, March 10, 2010 7:48 AM
It was horrible. Try sleeping for like less an hour for the day and go out survive the entire day.
Like chibai. i slept around 4 to 5 in the morning. And then i was out on the run.
Headed to baby's place and watch movie and clean up and well at that moment i felt like
it wasnt that bad to just sleep an hour. I thought it was mere rubbish about us needing at least
4 hrs of sleep to function normally. Then in the afternoon, we headed to his friend's place and that was where the whole terrible thingee happen.
it was so hot and i started to feel my clothes sticking on me and i was there not knowing what to do. So i saw TODAY newspaper and read it. And then i read the first paragraph and the second and the third, and i fucking realize i don't even understand what i'm reading. That got me really frustrated. I tried concentrating harder and somehow i manage to get it all in my head. And i read the next article and then i flip the page and read.. i have to like read one article twice or thrice to understand. and as i start flipping, i realize i couldnt remember what i read before that. Damn frustrating sia..
I got really paranoid anyway. And then i started to feel muscleaches which doesnt help. So i sat and kp on changing position after another and i guess, i was really restless. I wanted to tell baby but heck would he believe me. Its like im at his friends place and i behave in that manner..
controlling was like damn hard. I couldnt seem to put myself together and control my body.
i felt like im slipping away. Well in the end, got back to baby's place and i got sleep for 30mins. Well yeah, now im like having a terrible headache which also doesnt help. Alright. i really need the sleep now. bye.
x dude, so u think u r perfect? Sunday, January 03, 2010 7:03 AM
i had a chaotic wrecking time that just got me busy for months. but i just don't get things done and over with and not learn a thing out of it. sometimes as you grow up, you feel like you just wanna get over the past and you seem to feel like you've learn alot already. But you know what, even if you have learn a million zillion things in ur life, you just realize you are still learning.
I don't get people who went ' fana, kau da 19 la.' But i do what is right which is to just shut up. Because i know that even if im 19, it doesn't mean that i should already know everything. different people learn different things with what experiences they already had. I see people trying to criticize me this and that. But you know, i spot their mistakes afterall.
Saying i am "world" but hey so are you. Trying to put all the blame on me. You know, orang kate ehk kau peh org tkle buat tangkisnye la. Don't even know how risky it is to blurt "everything" out? It's funny how you wanna put all the blame on me when you know there are other things that you didnt say because you wanna save your cousins balls..? Come on la. You wanna say everything out just say.. why try to cover? and still got the cheeks to deny things you are wrong for.. And what's more to use " aku mabok pe. aku tak tau ape aku bobal". Klau kau tak tau jage diri time mabok, tkmo mabokkan diri. Pasal gara2 mabok bole jadi hal besar tau tak.
Mentang2 da cukop umor.. kirekan kau pk kau manenye mane.. u get drunk doesnt mean you can say what u wanna like u own the world.. in reality, it doesnt work that way. da lepas tu hal tkmo nak bobal cam phm ehk.. the people who are there is only the four of us. But the ones who sees eye to eye bringing all the tension is only the three of us. don't talk cock la dey.. bobal da gagap beh lepas hal tu bilang org2 laen mcm kau manenye mane tah dlm tu hal.. tkmo WORLD la ehk kt sini.. aku lagy da cukop ngn kaunye prangai..
aku memang salah at least aku admit. i face the music. but UNLIKE you ok.. and i did not criticize anyone or talk cock abt anyone in that hal.. i only say what's the fact.. And trying to say kwn aku da cukop ngn aku gini2.. bile tk ngn mataer carik krg.. well i do have my own mistakes.. everyone does..even my friends does..
what i know that others shouldn't know, i keep it to myself. Like i say, everyone has their own mistakes. aku tk bynk cerewetnye org la. kwn aku sala cam mane pn, aku ok go.bole buat tangkis. psl ape psl kwnnye psl. bukan nak kate jiwe ke ape kepepek. i dont want my mouth to open to others that will create problems for them.. all i do is advice and support them as a friend. mcm kau tu, tkmo pk kau manenye perfect kt sini. there r things that u dont noe that people do talk abt u. drg nak bobal blkg aku, aku tk psl la. tapi niat aku jadi kwn drg ikhlas. psl da lame aku knl drg. mmg kdg2 aku ngn kwn2 aku bbl blkg each other.. but we always have a mutual understanding btwn all of us.
Haiz. cukopla ehk.. I have alot of serious goals this year. just gonna be one heck of a bz year for me den..
“ I’m so myself & I do random things. “
Andreas [♥]