I've come about to accept things as what it is now and i've come to think of it like a probation.

For those who know what i've been going through

I hope that you all will keep on understanding me and seriously, im thankful for all the advice.

At 9plus, my mom had called today asking me to go home.

All the trust is gone between me and my parents and then again what's the use regretting.

i have to accept the fact anyway.

Knowing that both my parents had cried for me.

Knowing that i have almost completed the list of things parent's should not know of their daughter.

Almost A-Z that everything is completed just almost.

But truth is there's no way to turn back time. What's done is done. All i know now is i do what i can do to ease their minds for the moment and as for him, i've to learn to either let go or make him understand my situation. If he truly loves me, he would give a space or moment to try put himself in my situation. If he just can't understand, then i'm sorry i have to let it all go. Reminiscing our times just won't help. We have to face reality and most importantly, think of the consequences and the future.

If i do let go, i just want you to know that it all doesn't come easy. It's never easy for me to let you go. Because i truly deeply love you but what's the use if all this doesn't come with any good in my life. I hope that you would change and not have that pure malay character. That character where " kalau orang tak buat aku senang, aku tak buat hidop orang tu senang". That mindset have to go and that follow your emotions completely have to go. It's not the way to survive in this world. Klau nak ikot perasaan jer tak ke mane. Like what people always say," Ikot hati, mati". memang betol. Nak ikot hati sangat sampai tk fikir ape consequencesnye. Da ikot hati sangat, and after that you regret. That is so standard malay character. I'm not trying to insult the malays buts its the truth. it's a very bad thing there. We have to put our minds and heart together to make life a balance and happy one. This world is no romeo and juliet. Nak face the consequences all the time won't help either. What's the use if you keep doing bad things and getting caught and then you still do it again and face it again. Your life is so pathetic that way. Learn from it and make sure you have it all covered up if you do wanna do bad things again.

Just so you know, all the tears i cried for you are pure. It all comes from the heart. I don't cry for nothing and i'm not good at acting either. So trust me, everytime i cry was all for you and always about you. It's either because im upset with myself, you or our relationship. I do care for you so much and i want you to lead a good and happy life.

Anw...As for now, if i wanna go back late or do anything that's gonna break my parents heart..

I've to make sure that i either stretch the truth, tell bits and pieces of the truth or just play with my mind. Even if i went to a certain place, i have to split my mind and make it go another way. Make myself believe that i went to another place instead of that. If anything does happen, just deny and crack my way through. Denying is the best thing to do with your parents because well, in reality it is the best thing to do. I'm not trying to be like some wtf person but it's the fact. I have to make myself believe it so badly so that when i tell my parents, it would seem really true and i'll definitely fight till the end without even stuttering or in anyway to caught me lying.

After what had happen, it becomes part of my learning journey. And as for you Martin, i do love you with all my heart. And i know you felt the same way too towards me.